Medical School Update #8: Third Year Is Officially Over

Y’all I cannot believe it. Third year is officially over and I have less than one year of medical school left to go! It honestly does not feel real. I’ve waited so long for this moment to finally come and it feels bittersweet. Why? Well…because third year really hit me with so many lessons, especially with life. I’ve experienced a roller coaster of emotions, even more than the first two years. I’ve seen a baby take their first breath and I’ve seen patients at the end of their lives. All the while dealing with major changes in my personal life and trying to balance that by being the best student I could possibly be. Third year was rough. And I thank Allah (swt) that it is over.

Third year has truly opened my eyes to the hierarchy of medicine and also some of the rough patches that it has. It’s so easy to view this field as golden and amazing but it is far from the truth. Medicine is rewarding but it is also humbling. It is not perfect and it has a long way to go. I truly hope that the next generation of physicians paves the way for creating a more positive environment for staff, patients, and learners through sharing experiences like these.

As I mentioned in my previous medical school update, one of the hardest things about third year was the subjectivity of it. It did not matter how well I did on exams or how much knowledge I had, if a preceptor or attending did not like me, that could impact me more heavily on my final evaluations than objective items. And that really sucked. Because I do not have the personality of some of the shining students aka confident, loud, and adaptable to new environments. I am introverted and I take my time with certain things and may not project myself even if I know something. And sometimes that does not mesh well with some residents or attendings. They think that a) I do not know anything or b) I am not good enough to be here.

Let me give you some examples. For my Ob/gyn rotation, which you can read more about here, I forreal struggled. I was uncomfortable with some of the procedures I had to do and the environment was stressful. As the days went on, I felt myself getting smaller and smaller in the eyes of attendings and residents. I thought something was wrong with me and that I could not do anything right. One of the attendings I was working with told me I was very shy and that I pretty much needed to get out of my shell. I tried my best but becoming a personality that you normally are not is exhausting, to say the least.

After that rotation ended, I felt like I could breathe again. I was hoping that I passed because I did really well on the final exam and submitted all my assignments. It was off to Internal Medicine! That rotation was great and I was grateful that I would never have to think about Ob/gyn again!

Well…until I received an email from the Ob/gyn clerkship director a couple weeks later telling me to meet up with her. What could this possibly be about?

When I walked up to the director’s room for our meeting, all of the fear and anxiety I tried to bury from my Ob/gyn rotation started to come back. What if I failed? What if I had to go through this all over again? How will this affect me with applications and matching?

The clerkship director came into the room and told me that I almost failed the rotation based on the evaluations I got. I was stunned. Yes, I mentioned being uncomfortable throughout the rotation but I pretty much gave it my all, on top of studying for the in-house exams. But it did not matter. She said I needed to be more assertive and confident and that my interaction with her was equivalent to her and a 2nd-year medical student. “Was it because of your culture that you felt uncomfortable? Didn’t you say you wanted to do Ob/gyn?”, She asked. Well…definitely not anymore. “If you still want to do it, you probably won’t match. You may even have to do a transitional year.”

She said that I could pass but only because she removed her negative evaluation of me. When I got into my car after my meeting with her, I just cried. It was painful to give up everything to a rotation that was beating me up mentally, physically, and emotionally, only for this to be the final result. I got my final evaluation and I was devasted by the comments. That’s going to go on my application for residency. I wanted to fight it off, but I was emotionally defeated to carry on.

That fear from Ob/gyn started to go follow me after every single rotation thereafter. I’ve had not-so-great experiences before then, but I had always passed the rotation and I was able to talk to preceptors if they did have anything that they wanted me to improve on before creating my evaluation. However, this was a wake-up call that that would not always be the case.

And indeed it showed up again. I thought it would be through my surgery rotation (which was not that great read about it here), but they did not wreck me in my evaluations. It was through a rotation I had least expected rotation: pediatrics.

If you already read about that review, you already know I had a horrendous experience with the preceptor I was with. But what I did not mention was the aftermath of that rotation.

The morning after that rotation ended, I woke up to an email notification from an evaluation that was completed about me. It was from my preceptor. Normally attendings take weeks sometimes months to complete these as they are so busy, therefore it was shocking to see this so soon. When I opened and read it, I could feel the blood draining from my face.

It was one of the worst evaluations I have ever received in medical school. So abysmal, that I would have to repeat the rotation, even if I got good evaluations from the other providers I worked with. No, no, no, no, no.

I ran downstairs and just sobbed. How will I get over this nightmare? How? And because my 3rd year was already delayed, having to retake this rotation would set me back to the class of 2025. This could not be happening at all.

My mom found me, hugged me, and looked me in the eyes. “You have to fight this.” My mentor called me and said that she would help me draft an email and also send one on my behalf about this preceptor since she had also worked with her the year prior. It took every last shred of me to write a lengthy email that detailed the mistreatment I experienced on the rotation and then sending it to the pediatric clerkship director and the Office of Diversity and Inclusion. I said it for what it was. I was experiencing bias from her. Because why else was she going to these great lengths to destroy my future career?

The clerkship director emailed me back and said that she would schedule a meeting with me to discuss next steps. I sent her a time and date. Y’all before that meeting, I spent that week crying and praying and repeating. I was so over suffering through these rotations. I just wanted to pass and move on with my life truly.

Finally, it was the day of our meeting. I prayed really quickly beforehand asking Allah (swt) to truly help me get through this. I went into the meeting room prepared to fight my case. When I came in, my clerkship director told me the good news! She said that I passed because she managed to get evaluations from pretty much everyone I worked with (normally they allow 2 other evals but she got 4 more), in order to override the one negative evaluation I got from that preceptor!!!!!!  🎉🎉🎉  Thank God the other evaluations were extremely positive. She then told me that my preceptor had been reaching out to her about me pretty much since I started the rotation. She said my preceptor was concerned about my medical knowledge and was wondering how I was almost a 4th year. Y’all when I tell you all of my rebuttal claims left me. I was shooketh. This preceptor was against me from jump and I realized that there was really not much I could have done. Alhamdudillah this part is over!

Although I was happy that I passed, I was still devastated by how everything came about. That evaluation was probably going to end up on my MSPE. So not only will residencies see how I negatively evaluated in Ob/gyn but they would see that for Peds as well.

But thank God that did not occur. After much thought, the clerkship director ended up removing that specific evaluation from my comments later on. Alhamdulillah, God is truly great! 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾

These experiences and many more are why 3rd year was such a rough year for me. On top of dealing with all that BS, I still had to study and take exams and try to be the best student. It was definitely not it. 😞😞😞

Even though I highlighted some of the negatives, I did have some positive experiences! I really enjoyed my neurology and IM rotation. The attendings were extremely nice and helpful and the residents treated me like their equals. Esp after going through challenging rotations like I talked about above, having these awesome rotations made me go home and cry with gratitude. I was so excited to come back every day and learn. And my confidence would bloom. They would comment on how great my presentations were and praise me for something small I did. Honestly, that’s all I needed, because it would propel me to work even harder the next day. I am truly so grateful that I got to experience such positivity on those rotations because it made part of third year worthwhile. 😊

And of course, seeing patients and them confiding in me made it all worth it. Those interactions constantly remind me why I chose this field. I love how I can learn so much and utilize that knowledge to try to help my patients. I truly do care, value and respect every patient and every encounter I have with them and I am incredibly honored and privileged for the opportunity to do so. 

That’s it y’all. Third year was incredibly rough and I went through a lot but I came out a different student and person. Medical school is not easy. Life is not easy either. I just bring up these traumatic memories so that other students know that they are not alone if they are going through this. Whatever struggles any of you are going through, I pray that Allah (swt) makes it super easy for you and that you get out successfully. If He can do this for me and get me through one of the roughest years of medical school, then He can and will surely get any of you through whatever challenge you may face. 🤲🏾🤲🏾🤲🏾

Thank you for reading and be sure to look out for my next blog. I am excited and cannot wait to talk about all things 4th year! ✨